Have you ever witnessed someone carrying multiple bags, packages and a cup of coffee? They don’t spill their coffee and appear to be in complete control!
Carrying multiple things takes practice and skill and it can be quite a balancing act.
I’ve seen parents carrying a child, a shoulder bag, a diaper bag, a drink, and a cell phone and seemingly managing their load. How do they do it?
How did they develop this skill? And what happens when they reach capacity?
Learning to Carry
Carrying multiple things is definitely a skill that is cultivated. We admire those folks who seem to have it all together, but do we ever wonder how they got to this point?
Perhaps, as a young person you were encouraged to carry your own suitcase or belongings and you carry this lesson with you through life. You expect to carry your own baggage. You don’t give carrying burdens such as these a second thought.
I have seen children with their family at the airport carrying or rolling their own little suitcase. I’ve also seen other children who are riding on a suitcase being pulled by an adult. It causes me to ponder which child is most likely to learn how to carry their own things into adulthood. But, there is a limit on how much one can carry by oneself!
Just One More Thing
When we are conditioned to carry many items, we tend to exude independence and usually manage our responsibilities without automatically relying on someone to help. We become self-reliant.
However, even those who are independent may reach their capacity. Adding one more thing means they will reach or surpass their tipping point. The are no longer able to carry their packages and they may find themselves wiped out -buried under their load.
When we are carrying things and another person offers to hold a door for us, we are grateful. We didn’t ask them to – they offered.
Perhaps someone sees you burdened with your load and offers to carry one of your items. You have a decision to make – you can let them, or you can refuse their offer. By removing one item from your highly engineered balanced system of packages you worry you may lose your grip; or by letting go of one item you may lose your balance and either you or the parcels would topple. Without being balanced, the remaining load would be less manageable to carry.
Or, by taking them up on their offer and rearranging the remaining packages, our load is lightened and what we continue to carry may feel easier. It’s possible the other person is willing to share our load and accompany us to our destination.
Another possibility is that the other person has a trolley or cart that can accommodate all the parcels and all we have left to carry is our purse or wallet, our keys, a drink and a huge sigh of relief. In this scenario you not only have lightened your load, but you have a travel companion as well.
Carrying Caregiving Packages
Caregiving may start out gradually or suddenly. If it begins gradually, you may start by doing one small task for a parent, spouse, neighbour or friend. That’s manageable and you barely notice a change to your routine or responsibilities. Yet you begin to spend more time with this person, and you notice you need to help them out more often and in varying ways. You find you are taking them to more appointments or helping them with their banking. You notice this is taking a little more of your time and commitment. Then you find they need assistance with their Activities of Daily Living (ADLs), and whether intentionally or not they are becoming reliant on you. Before you know it, they barely leave your side and you seldom leave theirs. Now you are fully caregiving! The tasks keep piling on and you feel unable to handle one more caregiving task without crumbling under your load.
There may have been offers of help that were likened to someone holding a door open for you when carrying too many packages; but you didn’t hear offers to help you carry a package or two. You appreciate the door being held open – but you feel that the responsibilities require more than an open door – you need and would appreciate more help; but you are reluctant to ask for help.
Then someone offers to sit with your loved one but you think that would just disrupt your well-balanced routine. Or perhaps your loved one may not adapt to a different person being in the home; or the visiting person would see just how vulnerable your loved one has become. So you decline their offer. Those caregiving packages are becoming insurmountable. If you’re not careful, you’ll either drop your parcels, sustain an injury from carrying too much weight, or have an accident because you can’t see where you’re going.
If the caregiving responsibilities came upon you suddenly, you may be in shock. Your caregiving muscles aren’t conditioned to carry more than one thing at a time. You are overwhelmed. You may desperately need someone to walk you through what’s happening and teach you how to carry those caregiving packages.
Whether sudden or gradual, it may be time to accept help – perhaps having someone come alongside in your caregiving. Someone to help you navigate your caregiving journey by helping you find a way to lighten your load to sustain you. This may take the form of organizing or rearranging some of your tasks to make your load more manageable. That may require asking for help!
Ask for Help
Many folks find it difficult to ask for help and even to accept help. Why is it so difficult? Check out this article called Asking for Help to Relieve Caregiver Stress where this question is explored. Also check out this video in the Caregiver Stress Video Series called “Ask for and Accept Help”. Asking for and accepting help can help prevent burnout that is caused by caregiver stress… or in this analogy, collapsing under too many parcels. It’s okay to share your burdens, especially those you may be carrying as a caregiver, afterall, carrying successfully is an artform.
