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I’d like to invite you along as I visit my grandparents’ grave.

This may sound like an odd request and so I’ll provide some background.

Up until 2017 I did not know about this grave; and yet, my maternal grandparents have been buried there for almost 90 years. Stories about mom’s early life were not told freely and other than knowing that her parents had passed away when she was a young child, much of her formative years remained a quiet mystery. My mother rarely spoke about her parents, and after we left England, there weren’t many opportunities to learn about them —even less now that she has passed away.

Neither my mom or dad are buried in a grave, as it was their request to be cremated and have their ashes scattered. When my dad passed away, the pastor officiating his funeral service mentioned how it may be helpful to our family to have a specific place to go to grieve and remember him. This was a bit of a challenge, but my siblings and I had a vague idea of where he wished his remains to be spread.

This pastor’s comment stuck with me. I believe his suggestion may have been the impetus for wanting to locate my grandparents’ grave and feel a connection to my mom’s family’s history.

What I do know about my mom’s history was that her dad was killed in a work-related accident; and her mom never recovered from his death. She had been ‘poorly’ and passed within a year of his death, leaving my mom and her older sister to be raised by relatives. As my grandfather’s death was work-related, I suspect the company provided the grave where both my grandparents are buried.

With a desire to connect to my family roots, my husband and I embarked on a unique adventure

I wanted to learn more about my heritage to gain a greater understanding of my familial background. First step – go to England. Next my husband and I went to the church where they had been married. I believed their graves would be situated in that church’s yard, as so many graves used to be at the old churches in England. We located the church and ventured to where the graves should be. We were shocked to find rows of headstones stacked upright against the property’s stone wall – not laid in rows with the graves at their base.

How could anyone sort through the headstones to find the names of loved ones? None of the graves on the church yard appeared to be marked. As determined investigators, we started making enquiries and were told that it’s most probable that my grandparents aren’t buried there. Perhaps they are buried in a civic cemetery.

A quick google search and we were on our way to find such a cemetery. It was an impressive 15 acres, complete with historic buildings and stunning landscape. Upon our arrival at the cemetery we paused at the information board where we studied the map of the grounds and picked up a brochure.

On the brochure was a number to call for further information relating to the cemetery. So we called that number. No one was in the office, but the phone was answered and the person we spoke to said she would send a couple of cemetery staff to speak with us. Moments later two men showed up on an All-Terrain-Vehicle (ATV). They were cemetary staff alright – they were grave diggers! Not surprisingly, they looked like grave diggers, short and muscular in stature and covered in dust and dirt. Despite their outward appearance, they were incredibly helpful, friendly and attentive.

The men took us into a small stone building that housed a multitude of giant ledgers – weathered, old books stacked in cabinet-style book cases. They asked what year we were interested in. We provided them with the year and name of my grandfather first and then my grandmother. They pulled out the book from that year and opened it for us to search through the line-after-line of neatly penned names, dates, grave locations. The whole experience of being in this little stone building evoked feelings of reverence. I felt privileged to have been welcomed into this hallowed library of records where so many thousands of individual’s names were recorded when they entered their final resting ground.

Finding The Gravesite

When we found my grandparent’s entries we learned they were in the same grave. The two men invited us to follow them with our car as they led on their ATV up to the area in which they were buried. We thanked the men and they went back to digging graves while we humbly approached my grandparents’ grave.

The grave was neglected and the writing that had been inlaid with lead had broken off in places, leaving a mere shadow of the inscription.

I felt an overwhelming connection with my heritage. A feeling that was quite foreign to me. These people located in the ground marked by this grave were my ancestors. They never knew me and I never knew them; but I am part of their DNA.

Respectfully, my husband and I began to clean up the grave. Scrubbing the stone with water helped revive the writing. We removed the weeds and found an urn for flowers that had the names of my mom and her sister engraved on it.

I could envision these two little girls standing with flowers in one of their tiny hands while they clasped each other’s free hand with their other hand, waiting to place their flowers in the urn that sat upon their parents’ grave. The girls experiencing this dreadfully somber time of saying good bye, first to their beloved dad, and then to their mother. A powerful moment that I’m sure was etched in my mother’s heart and mind. Yet I don’t recall her talking about it with me. She, herself, passed away relatively young, otherwise, I would have loved to have learned more from her about this sacred memory.

In our trips to England since making this discovery, we try to visit the grave; both to spend time reconnecting with my roots, and to freshen up the grave. It provides such a meaningful connection for me.

Funeral Planning

Now as I make my own funeral arrangements, I agree with the pastor’s suggestion of having a dedicated place where my family can visit to grieve, reflect and feel grounded and connected with their family – their roots.

Funeral planning is highly personal; and I’m reminded of how pre-planning my own funeral can be a parting gift to my family. In fact, I called an episode of the Island Treasures podcast episode, “A Parting Gift“, where I spoke with Arlene Jacobs. Her experience as a Pre-Planning Funeral Executive Advisor combined with the deeply personal journey of arranging her young son’s funeral—despite her lack of familiarity with funeral planning at the time—has equipped her with compassion, empathy, and a deep understanding of the importance of pre-planning one’s funeral. In the episode, Arlene provides several considerations for individuals when planning a funeral.

A few years ago, while discussing Advance Care Planning with a caregiver, I encouraged her to begin making funeral arrangements for her spouse as his health was rapidly deteriorating. She had been so busy with her caregiving responsibilities that she hadn’t prioritized making his funeral arrangements. After our conversation, she was motivated to find a funeral home to pre-plan both their funerals. Shortly afterwards, her husband died and she called me to tell me how incredibly grateful she was for taking the opportunity to get their plans in place when she did. She was so happy to report that the funeral home took care of all the details for her. It brought her peace and an immense sense of relief, which inspired her to share her experience in the hope of motivating others to do the same. She asked me to pass on her story to fellow caregivers, encouraging them to plan ahead so they too could experience that same powerful sense of relief.

This grieving widow wanted to help other caregivers. She knew firsthand how much planning ahead had helped her through the hardest moments of her loss and by sharing her experience she felt that perhaps she could inspire others to make their plans in advance. Taking her request to heart I did share her message with other caregivers, and I also created a short video with her message called, “A Message From a Caregiver: Are Your Funeral Plans in Place?”

Do You Have a Parting Gift?

Whether you’re contemplating your final journey and preparing to put your plans in place, or spending time at a loved one’s gravesite, these moments remind us of the powerful connection between our past and the legacy we leave behind. My recent experience of finding my grandparents’ grave provided an unexpected window into my family’s history, deeply grounding me in the stories that came before me. It also underscored the value of preplanning one’s funeral—not merely as a logistical necessity, but as a way to guide and comfort those we leave behind. Pre-planning one’s funeral truly can be a parting gift.